Time for another real life update kind of post. One I think has been overdue for quite a while; especially the way I have been feeling lately combined with a promise I’d made to myself which is to be more open and show the “real me” on this blog as well. I feel like I’ve been doing a lackluster job of that recently, so I’d say I’m due. So what’s been going on? Well, a couple of things actually:
First of all I’m currently in the process of seeing how I’m going to be paying for my upcoming education which I’ll be doing next to my work. In fact, it’s actually combined with my work which makes it a tad more complicated as I’ll be working full-time for 4 days and the 5th day I will spend at college. This however means that I’ll be earning less money while also having to spend extra for my school’s tuition. And considering I have a mortgage running, this is clearly a problem and one I’m glad my boss is willing to help out with, if at least it won’t cost him too much. If all goes right and I figure out how I’m going to be paying for this, I will be starting this 4 year course (Network Infrastructure Design, think CCNA, Windows Exchange, and some business structuring courses such as ITIL and Prince2) in September this year.
Next subject is a whole lot more personal already; namely I’ve never really felt that my good friends are actually good friends. I guess it’s my inner bitterness and mistrust of people that I always expect them to lie to me and betray me in some way. It was at a party a couple of weeks ago where all my good friends had made their way over to my place and I frankly got too drunk; as in, I hardly remembered anything, not even some big things that happened. As such I also happened to forget that 2 of my friends told me some real personal things to which I responded by telling them that however much they say they care for me I never actually feel that it’s meant. I then got slapped by all of them.
I have no complaints about that at all, in fact I’m glad I was able to tell them that, however it did make me wonder why I got so many hugs the following morning. It felt very weird having to ask why I got such a lengthy hug from my best friend who even initially said: “No reason in particular, because you’re awesome.”. She did tell me eventually obviously because my memory from that night has not returned, as it never tends to after such a night. But this sort of has marked a moment for me where I at least am beginning to realize that some people do actually give a shit about me. This to me is a huge thing, I don’t particularly feel it but I think I’ll get there.
Then on for the subject I’ve actually been trying to avoid the most: I met a girl I really like at a friend’ birthday party(weekend) about 2 months ago. We really seemed to hit it off and we kissed a couple of times. After the weekend we saw each other a lot and really liked being around one another and I developed feelings for her. However she didn’t know for sure about me and really couldn’t make up her mind on what she wanted. The way she initially phrased it was that she wanted to move to Finland(she loves that country) and that would mean that she wouldn’t want to start a relationship now as it’d likely break soon due to that.
However as it turned out she just wasn’t feeling “the fireworks” and rapidly kept me at a distance. This could be due to her not wanting to hurt me or me getting too close to her, as she was dealing with some things herself. Either way on monday she came over as she said we didn’t really know each other and we should really have some serious talk. However before she came over she was just offline, which was weird. The reason for this being was that when she got here she told me that she wanted to make it clear that it probably wasn’t going to happen and that I should not consider it an option anymore.
After she left I had myself a breakdown in which I actually fully cried, the last time being 7-8 years ago just after my depression started. You may remember last year when I shed a tear over the girl I liked at that time when it got made clear that it wasn’t going to work. At that point I hadn’t broken down the emotional wall enough to allow myself to cry (which is a real damn horrible feeling btw). Now I could though and I handled it the only way I could; through booze. I then figured I should let my colleague know that I wasn’t going to be in a good mood the following day, turns out that she had already called him. He ended up coming over and we talked a bunch until 3:30 at which point he went to sleep and I collapsed on bed and lay awake for at least some more.
That tuesday after work I pretty much repeated the same thing, drinking half a litre of vodka, some beers and passoa. I had nobody around me and that just didn’t go over well, the thing was/is that yes, it really sucks that she’s essentially rejected me, but what hurts me more is the outlook of being alone again for god knows how long. Considering how long it tends to take me to meet someone I’m interested in; it’ll likely be another year or more. The very prospect of having felt genuine happiness again when I was with her is something I’ve not felt for ~8 years. It’s something utterly terrifying and wonderful to me that is super new and now super depressing having it taken away from me. Anyway, I pretty much drank until around 3:00, only falling asleep at around 5:00, having to get up roughly 2 hours later.
I”m also very happy that I had a friend over on wednesday and we ended up talking a bunch which had me distracted enough to not notice or think of anything in particular, so this was great until I said I should go to bed at 3:00 and she at around 3:30 said something along the lines of “Sure sucks that she isn’t interested in you after all that waiting you did to give her time.”, that line just instantly made me feel like shit and again I was just lying in bed awake, just thinking and feeling miserable. I may have slept some in between 5:00 and 7:00 somewhere, but it can’t have been much. So for thursday you’d think I’d be pretty miserable, but strangely that wasn’t the case. I can’t say I was at my best; but I was feeling alright, considering.
After work on thursday I had my bike again and decided that I wouldn’t go straight home but would instead spend an hour exercising on the way home; and so I did. This made me feel rather good, there truly is nothing better than to push out your emotions while working out with some music on. For me it’s the best way to deal with things it seems, circumstances permitting. I then got home and my best friend who’d been avoiding me since that sunday (so she didn’t even know) sent me a message if we could talk. And so we did and caught up and mostly ended up talking about what was troubling her and then it was very quickly time to go to sleep at a normal time.
So today’s friday and I’m typing this all up on my friday evening as I had no plans and I figured I needed some rest anyway. Here I am sitting listening to mainly metal and ska, drinking some vodka mixes, thinking about the last week and just how emotionally taxing it has been, feeling bad and extremely lonely. It’s not only me that’s not had an awesome week; 3 of my good friends have had some bad times as well these last couple of days. At least my crying stopped; I however am afraid I may have tossed it all over the emotional wall instead of dealing with it directly which is something that I don’t think I want. Though it for sure made life a whole lot simpler.
If you read this wall of text, then you now know me better now than most people that know me do.
As I was cycling home from work today, the sun is in my back which means my and other cyclist’ shadows are in front of me. It was rather windy and I had to go over the usual bridges.
This then meant that most people were just about standing still as I was passing them and once I passed this guy he sped up quickly trying to get behind me and use me as a shield from the wind.
As he did that I figured I’d play his game and would see if he could keep up. I went up a gear, and another and another.. Then I noticed he was barely keeping up, was full on sprinting/standing on the pedals and could hear his breathing. I then went up another gear and left him way behind.
For some reason people seem to think that they can keep up with the fat guy on the racingbike. So far noone has, but I’m enjoying them trying every single time.
If you’ve spoken to me recently I might’ve said I’m really looking forward to this coming friday. The reason for that is 2 or 3-found. It started as my best friend and me deciding we should see each other more so we picked 2 tours to combine this fact with. One is close to me and another close to her. As such those dates were picked. This time it was the show 20 minutes of walking away from me where Deicide is playing with Destinity and Karnak. That’s a great lineup of (melodic) death metal and 2 weeks later we’re seeing Reel Big Fish which I’m sure will be a fun time as well, albeit a slightly different genre. So it was going to be a great evening of music and then some (or “some”) drinks afterwards just to catch up.
So I was talking to some other good friends and they got wind that Deicide was playing and one wanted to see them as well and then one more. So now we’re going with 4 or 5 to that show which normally would be awesome by itself. Then of course it got offered that they’re welcome to join in for some drinks as well and then I asked some other friends as well and as it stands it’s going to be my best friends all gathering at the same time for some drinks and good times. This is a rather big deal to me as that’s not something that happens too often as they’re from all over the country.
Then lastly the girl I like will also be coming over (just for drinks afterwards) and will be travelling ~3 hours to do so, which makes me quite happy that she’s willing to do so to hang out with me (and meet some of my friends). As such the friday will be a long day, but it will be an amazing evening/night.
I finished reading another classic much as the last couple of books I’ve read. Lord of the Flies is one of those names that always struck out at me and as such I had to read it. When I started reading it it seemed weird that nothing is explained. There is just some kids who wake up on a beach somewhere as they find out that there’s no adults alive – they don’t bother to deal with the corpses, or looting them or any wreckage. As such it’s not explained in any way what they lived through; was it a plane crash? Boat? It’s never mentioned.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because it’d add more information than probably would be required. But it struck out at me how it’s completely ignored. It instead starts with kids being kids and the younger ones just trying to have fun and not thinking much. The older boys do some thinking, trying to figure out if there are any adults alive and do some exploring on the island to figure out where they are, which as it turns out is an island. As they are stranded they figure they need leadership and with an island full of boys this will obviously cause conflict. This conflict is the main thing this book is about. It’s not so much about them getting off the island or survival; it’s about human nature.
What I really liked to see was the gradual descent into primal instinct as we are further away from society. In the beginning the boys still think about the ‘real world’ and long for it. As time passes more and more they lose hope of rescue and also drop their morality and their rational thought seems to be going as well. This leads to questions such as: “Which is better- to have rules and laws, or to hunt and kill?”. Ultimately it’s an interesting concept that many of us have probably thought about and it makes you think about the human condition. It’s a short book well worth a read.
So I was talking with this girl I’m dating and we were talking about when we’d see each other again. I asked if she’d be coming over for sure next weekend since she didn’t know yet if she could make it.
I mentioned that we should pick a moment before other stuff gets planned. Her prompt response was: “Well, I could come over tomorrow ”
Normally my brain is pretty damn solid on it’s internal clock, making me wake up within 10 min of my alarm in the morning. This morning it was either on some sort of drugs (it wasn’t) or just decided to be a dick. I woke up panicky thinking I was really late and overslept. I then checked the time and it was 3 am. But I couldn’t really get to sleep again despite being tired and kept waking up. Until my actual alarm went off and I felt really damn tired.
It’s pretty incredible just how much a bad night’s sleep will affect your mood. Meh.
Either I forgot that Zeno Clash 2 was announced; or I simply didn’t know but OH MY GOD IT’S ZENO CLASH 2! I simply loved Zeno Clash, it was one of those games that I simply adored. Judging from my let’s play not many felt the same way; but I love the crazy world and the combat. And that’s all there really is to the game isn’t there? Yet; it’s one of those games that I don’t think I’ll ever forget and I just pray that the sequel will be a real good one as to not spoil the name.
This trailer makes me super excited to play more:
“End of an era” by nightwish is blasting from my home cinema set, it remains easily my favorite live dvd by any band. Just give it a listen!
Meanwhile I’m sipping from a lovely beer and reading “Lord of the Flies”, which I’m really enjoying.
Evenings like these are golden.
I have packed a bag with some clothes, bathroom bag, towel, swimming trunks, 2 bottles of liquor and cards against humanity.
After work my colleague/friend and me are going away for the weekend to a park where we will get utterly drunk and have an extreme amount of fun.
For him this is a yearly thing and among friends it’s called beerfest. Not the most imaginative name in the world; but that’s fine. I’m not entirely feeling awesome about knowing 2 out of 16 people but I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Hope all of you will have a good weekend as well.